Overflowing Life – Life Coaching | Equipping | Getaways https://overflowinglife.net Life Coaching | Equipping | Getaways Sat, 30 Apr 2022 14:05:54 +0000 en-ZA hourly 1 https://overflowinglife.net/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/cropped-Favicon-32x32.png Overflowing Life – Life Coaching | Equipping | Getaways https://overflowinglife.net 32 32 One Thing you can do to prevent a friend’s Suicide… https://overflowinglife.net/one-thing-you-can-do-to-prevent-a-friends-suicide/ Sat, 30 Apr 2022 13:47:45 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=2010

ONE Thing you can do to prevent a friend’s SUICIDE…

Being involved in Youth Ministry many years ago gave me exposure to the dark side of teen suicides. My own family line are also victims to individuals who could not see any way out. We are faced with horror stories of high school pupils that took their own lives here in our beautiful town, Paarl, where we live and we frequently hear stories in our private consulting rooms of people who had lost loved ones who chose to end their lives. The same story continues of people in Christian communities. No one is exempt.

With Russia first in line, South Africa has the second largest suicide rate in the world, followed by South Korea and then the United State (Source: WHO, 2019). According to a (Global Health Estimates Suicide Worldwide) report by the WHO, 13,774 suicides were reported in South Africa in 2019. Of these deaths, 10,861 were men while 2,913 were women.

According to Statista, 11% of U.S adults showed symptoms of anxiety and depression in January – June 2019. The numbers rise to 33.9% in May 2020, followed by 42.4% in December 2020. (Sources: CDC, NCHS, U.S Census Bureau). If these numbers are true for the U.S who is ranked 4th in line with the world’s largest suicide rates, what do you think would be the numbers for South Africa who is ranked second?

Now on a lighter note, according to Statista, in 2012/2013, 146.98 million 60 kilogram bags of coffee were consumed worldwide. This has increased to 166.63 million 60 kilogram bags in 2020/2021!

These statistics and my experiences DO NOT make me an authority on the subject of SUICIDE. It only qualifies me to have much empathy and to have an opinion. There are many things you can do to help prevent a friends’ (or a colleagues’ or a family members’) suicide, but today I only want to focus on ONE thing you can do that can make a really BIG difference… But before I give it to you on a plate, I need to sketch some background…

Many people don’t greet you anymore with a “Hallo” or “Hi”; they immediately start off with “Howru” as suppose to a sincere, genuine “How are you?”. This and many other factors added fuel to me being ‘un’-vulnerable when people asked me how I am. So recently God challenged me (and my wife) to be a little bit more vulnerable to people when asked how we are. We’ve agreed to the challenge! We’ve decided to give people about 3 – 4 minutes of our “pearls” and then wait and see what happens… We’ve “experimented” with MANY family members, friends, etc. The results were both saddening and alarming!

We could not count on one hand people who were REALLY interested, meaning the absence off:

  • Listening well (without formulating an answer, opinion or advice while we spoke);
  • Deeply interested in what we had to say
  • Asking questions to engage in deeper conversation

What we did experienced was that in ± 90% of our conversations (after we gave people some of our “pearls” in the 3 – 4 minutes), most then turned the focus back on themselves, sharing their own stories and problems. Some informal conversations lasted for more than 30 minutes where they would just talk about themselves… This taught us 2 things:

  1. People don’t know how to LISTEN WELL +
  2. People have a deep need to TALK/SHARE when a caring ear is offered

With this background in mind, I want to share two personal stories…

I was once working out in the gym on a Saturday afternoon. The Holy Spirit draw my attention to a woman, little overweight, really crunching it, working extremely hard on some of the equipment (not the woman in the photo though :-)). I sensed God prompted me to go and tell her how God the Father feels about her. I protested and reasoned with the still small Voice, but luckily He won the argument and so I went… What happened after a one-minute speech of obedience, was a sobbing woman whose life was transformed on that day…

The second story happened more recently where I was on the receiving end of this. A couple of Friday’s ago I’ve received an email from a client who turned down business out of fear of what’s going on in Europe with the unrest and war between Ukraine and Russia. We own two businesses, one being a Travel Company. I was devastated. Navigating a travel business through the past two years of the Covid pandemic was extremely tuff and now having to face another international event that could potentially stop business, was daunting.

With my recent experiments, I had few people I could turn to who would really care, listened well and offer encouragement. So, I sulked for about 30 minutes all by myself. Then, suddenly out of the blue, I received a Facebook video call. I did not know the person and thought it was a scam or someone trying to sell me something and I did not answer. I was intrigued though. It was someone from the Netherlands. We have 1 mutual Facebook friend. My suspicion was confirmed. The Holy Spirit convicted me otherwise. I replied with a text message saying, “Sorry I missed your call. Is there anything I can help you with?” The person called back and I reluctantly answered…

I soon found out he was just an ordinary guy who did not try to sell me anything. He just had an extraordinarily level of obedience to God as He felt lead to call me to offer encouragement, to “speak life” over my business and as a business owner himself, offered some sound, practical and really helpful marketing advice. He made no money out of this and offered none of his services. It only cost him obedience, but it ROCKED MY WORLD. I was on cloud 9 for several days. I felt God’s love. I felt noticed. I was deeply encouraged. And by the way, the advice he offered in the end, really made a big difference…

What have I learned from these two stories?

  1. If the people around you are too self-absorbed and self-focused, God will (in His sovereignty) use a donkey to speak to you. In my case, a fellow Christian business owner WHO DID NOT KNOW ME AT ALL, thousands of miles away in the Netherlands.
  2. Secondly, obedience changes lives! My obedience towards the woman in the gym, changed her life. The Dutch guy’s obedience changed my life. What is the ingredients of this type of obedience? Stop. Care. Listen. Ask questions. Listen more. Ask more questions. Then, offer yourself as a conduit of HOPE AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

Apart from owning a Travel company, my wife and I are also certified and practicing Life Coaches. Our studies to become Life-Coaches, was long, intense and very tuff. Of the many skills and tools that we’ve learned, one of the first was the skill to LISTEN. At first, I proudful thought by myself, “this module is really a waste of time”; BUT after digging deeper into this subject and practically applying this in assignments, I discovered that this was a LIFE-GIVING skill and tool: The ability to LISTEN WELL.

So, how does this tie in with the subject of this blog, “ONE Thing you can do to prevent a friend’s SUICIDE…”?

I personally believe and I’m of the opinion that apart from NOT putting people (especially Christians) on a guilt trip if they need to take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds (which is a whole new topic on it’s own), the next best thing you can do is to STOP and LISTEN WELL.

Here’s 5 tips:

  1. Don’t listen to only formulate your answer to teach or to give your advice while the other person is speaking… Don’t listen to catch a word or phase to default away from the other person and to focus on yourself, to tell your story related to what they spoke about…
  2. Listen to hear what the other person is saying OR not saying…
  3. Listen with love and respect. Give the other person the time and day to verbalize and process their emotions and thoughts…
  4. Ask questions instead of “telling”…
  5. Listen to what the Holy Spirit is saying to you as you actively listening to the person in front of you…

So, what is the ONE Thing you can do to prevent a friend’s SUICIDE? The answer is simple: LISTEN WELL…

Sincerely,
Hennie Albertse

Check out my profile:  www.OverflowingLife.net/Hennie-Albertse
SA mobile/ WhatsApp: 084 522 4260
Email: hennie@overflowinglife.net

]]> Encouragement for Moms – Podcast Episode 2 https://overflowinglife.net/encouragement-for-moms-podcast-episode-2/ Thu, 24 Mar 2022 09:08:43 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1999

Work-life-balance

Do you often feel Overwhelmed? Out of control? Like you have lost yourself? Discouraged?

Susan Albertse’s podcast below will bring much encouragement for your day!

Kindly note: The podcast below is currently available in AFRIKAANS…

]]> Encouragement for Moms – Podcast Episode 1 https://overflowinglife.net/encouragement-for-moms/ Mon, 28 Feb 2022 12:59:18 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1982

Work-life-balance

Do you often feel Overwhelmed? Out of control? Like you have lost yourself? Discouraged?

Susan Albertse’s podcast below will bring much encouragement for your day!

Kindly note: The podcast below is currently available in AFRIKAANS…

]]> Practical tips on how to set Boundaries https://overflowinglife.net/practical-tips-on-how-to-set-boundaries/ Fri, 11 Feb 2022 14:26:11 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1890

Practical tips on how to set Boundaries…

The title of this blog, “Practical tips on how to set Boundaries” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

Practical tips on how to set Boundaries…

How to set boundaries

Here are some final thoughts that will help you in your journey of healthy boundaries…

  • You cannot expect everyone around you to read your mind. You need to respectfully communicate your boundaries. Your communication must be clear, and your recipients must understand exactly what you mean. In a family/household context, everyone must be on the ‘same page’.
  • If you let someone overstep your boundaries, you cannot blame them, you only have yourself to blame. Setting boundaries is your responsibility.
  • Respect other people’s boundaries. You cannot expect others to respect your boundaries if you habitually overstep theirs.
  • Boundaries must be reasonable and practical. Example: If I plan to have “Quiet Time” with the Lord between 06:00 – 07:00 am and do not want to be disturb, plan ahead. If you know you kids wake up at that time with hungry tummies, it is unreasonable from you not to expect them to knock on your door for food (that is if they are small and cannot help themselves yet).
  • If you struggle with boundaries, ask someone to hold you accountable.
  • It is important to know your personal values. Example: If positivity and honouring is 2 of your values and someone approaches you in a conversation where they complain about someone else, spew gossip and cynicism; dishonour and slander someone else’s name, what do you do? You have to set a boundary. How?
    • (a) Disengage as quickly as possible in the conversation in a respectful way or
    • (b) Challenge them in a respectful way to rather talk about themselves and not about others in a negative way. Someone once said, “If you can’t say anything positive about someone, rather keep quiet”…
  • Setting HEALTHY boundaries is part of self-care and healthy self-love… Boundaries creates safety, security, and respect: An environment where love can grow: Love for yourself; love for others and love for God…

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”’ (Mark 12:30-31 NKJV).

Also see the poetic Passion Translation:

“You are to love the Lord Yahweh, your God, with every passion of your heart, with all the energy of your being, with every thought that is within you, and with all your strength. This is the great and supreme commandment. And the second is this: ‘You must love your neighbor in the same way you love yourself.’ You will never find a greater commandment than these.” (Mark 12:30-31 TPT)

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

]]> Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries https://overflowinglife.net/overcoming-control-by-setting-boundaries/ Fri, 11 Feb 2022 13:53:13 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1832

A blog about Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries…

The title of this blog, “Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

A blog about Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries…

What does ‘control’ have to do with boundaries?

Most people who have no boundaries are BEING CONTROLLED by controlling people. Controlling people control people out of fear. We were never designed to control or to be victims of control. We were created as sons and daughters who live in a secure reality (boundaries so to speak) that our Heavenly Father is in control and sovereign with our best interests at heart. It is when we give control over to God, when we experience true freedom and overflowing life…

Being controlled by man

Being controlled

Being controlled really boils down to having no self-control; no boundaries and allowing controlling people to control you. If you find yourself in this group, you are mostly not aware of controlling people’s manipulation, flattery, and ways they control you. Without knowing why, one may experience anger; depression and/or resentment afterwards. It is important to become aware of this pattern…

You see, controlling people do not have your best interests at heart; they look out for their own interests and gain and they are highly skilled in subtle manipulation and flattery in order to get ‘their ways and wants’.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda].” (Proverbs 27:6 AMP). The Passion Translations says: “You can trust a friend who wounds you with his honesty, but your enemy’s pretended flattery comes from insincerity.” (Proverbs 27:6 TPT)

Be aware of your emotions: If you experience anger, depression and/or resentment, ask yourself why? Then, if you know someone is trying to control and manipulate you, what do you do?

  1. Repent and ask the Holy Spirit why you allowed it. If (for example) He reveals the ‘fear of man’, repent and ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen your innermost being (Ephesians 3:16) and to fully take control of you (Acts 4:8) and to grow the fruit of the Spirit, self-control in you… (Titus 2:12 & Galatians 5:23).
  2. Set clear boundaries; learn to say ‘no’ and stand your ground. Speak the truth IN LOVE (Ephesians 4:15). Setting boundaries will most of the time trigger conflict. Controlling people hate this and might get angry at you. They might try to push back to see how serious you are. Stand your ground. Sometimes you won’t experience outright anger from the controlling person, but other emotional responses like “getting over-emotional”, even crying. This is nothing other but manipulation so that you can feel sorry for them (in order to ‘give in’ and give away something of yourself you are not willing to give away). Say ‘no’ to these types of inappropriate behaviour. You might experience short term emotional ripple effects, but if you persist, you will gain self-respect and loving yourself with self-respect will cause others to start respecting your healthy boundaries…

Being the one that controls others or the one who wants to control your circumstances…

Fear has two extreme effects: At the one end of the spectrum, it paralyzes you into passivity. On the other spectrum, it temps one to take control of a situation or person. Let’s focus on the latter reaction…

The reason for the urge to control, is rooted in fear. Fear of being out of control; fear of not being able to change a situation; fear of failure; fear of loss… If you experience these emotions, your natural response is to ‘fight back’ by trying to control people or unpleasant circumstances. By doing this, you take the reins out of God’s hand into our own hands. By doing this, you try to steer (and manipulate) a situation in a direction you want it to go…

Fear is not your friend. Fear is not on your side. You might experience a couple of wins, but ultimately, you will learn that you cannot control situations or people. You will wear yourself out. Burnout will knock on your door sooner or later.

Leaders sometimes struggle a lot with control. You cannot hide behind “good leadership” if you control people or situations. Leadership is about empowering people and control is about fear.

To “take control” actually show that you are “out of control” and want to take action in your own strength. The end result is frustration and burnout.

If you sense that you have a controlling nature, ask yourself why? How do you get free from this?

  1. Repent of fear. Repent of manipulating and controlling people and/or situations to go ‘your way’. Make right with God and if the Holy Spirit convicts you, make right with people. This is difficult, but liberating.
  2. Tackle the real issue head-on: Deep down in your heart, you do not trust God and rely more on your own abilities and experience. Ask God’s forgiveness and ask the Holy Spirit to help you on a new journey of discovering the freedom and joy of “letting go” and trusting Him more and more…. God is Sovereign and He is truly in control ánd on your side….
  3. If you feel you are stuck in this area, I also want to encourage to make a counselling or coaching appointment with someone you trust. Being stuck is not your permanent destination! Freedom is possible.

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

]]> Busy People and Boundaries https://overflowinglife.net/busy-poeple-and-boundaries/ Wed, 26 Jan 2022 09:58:42 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1787

A blog about Busy People and Boundaries.

The title of this blog, “Busy People and Boundaries” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

A blog about Busy People and Boundaries.

Have you ever come across a person ‘complaining’ how busy he/she is while having a grin on their face? Have you seen people talking on their mobile phone while walking up and down (like a lion in a cage), looking ‘very busy’? Have you ever been in a conversation with someone , while the person continually takes phone calls, apologizing afterwards while his/her apology really does not sound like an apology, but more boastful? Have you ever tried to build a friendship with someone, but he/she hardly (or never) responds to any of your phone calls and text messages, because he/she has so many commitments? I have been in many situations like that. For me, this is simply irritating (and disrespectful). An important question to ask is, “what is really going on in the inner life of the other person; let’s call him ‘Mr Busy’?”

Your Identity as a busy person

Being busy does not mean being productive. Being busy does not mean popular. Being busy does not mean important. Being busy does not mean being wealthy. Being busy does not mean you are high in demand. ‘Mr Busy’ may present himself as ‘being busy’ to let others think he is productive; popular; important; wealthy or high in demand; but most of the time the opposite is true. The image ‘Mr Busy’ is trying to portray is celebrated in many Hollywood TV Series and movies with good-looking, wealthy, and ‘together’ (and much loved) actors and actresses. Don’t be fooled. To think you create such an image and identity without paying a price is a lie your spiritual enemy wants you to believe.

To say “yes” to too many things and in this to over cross your boundaries, piling up commitment after commitment on your shoulders; in order to look busy and gain the same adoration as many Hollywood celebrities; will not have the desired results in the long run. Something will give. Either your health; or your friendships or your marriage or your business or your relationship with your kids or your relationship with God. It is impossible to be everything for everyone and to maintain and sustain a life of utter busyness and over-commitment. I repeat, something will give in! When you say ‘yes’ to something; you say ‘no’ to something else. You only have 24 hours in a day with a limited quota of physical energy. The problem is, ‘Mr Busy’ says ‘yes’ to the wrong things or ‘no’ to TOO MANY of the right things… Balance and boundaries are lacking.

Being a Busy Person

Busyness is linked to performance drivenness and performance drivenness is rooted in fear of failure. It is more important to impress people than pleasing your Heavenly Father? If you are ‘Mr Busy’, you have to confront the fear of failure and find a new royal identity as a ‘son’ or ‘daughter’ of a Heavenly Father. You also have to find examples of how to do life differently. Let’s start by looking at the life of Jesus and His thoughts on busyness…

“But Martha was very busy and distracted with all of her serving responsibilities; and she approached Him and said, “Lord, is it of no concern to You that my sister has left me to do the serving alone? Tell her to help me and do her part.” But the Lord replied to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered and anxious about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part [that which is to her advantage], which will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:40-42 AMP)

Jesus was ‘high in demand’; especially when word spread of all the miracles He did. People’s needs did not stop. Even today, needs will never stop. Your to-do list will always be full. Like Jesus, your presence will always be in demand (with your spouse, kids, employer, friends, family, colleagues, etc). We never read in Scripture that Jesus felt guilty when He separated himself from people’s demands to be all alone with His “Abba”. Sometimes He said ‘no’ to the masses and ‘yes’ to his core group of friends whom we today call, ‘his disciples’. Jesus was proactive in His times of rest. He did not live on the defensive, overextending Himself. Jesus recognized and placed value on self-care and rest. In fact, His Father invented the concept of a Sabbath Rest!

“But the news about Him was spreading farther, and large crowds kept gathering to hear Him and to be healed of their illnesses. But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray [in seclusion].” (Luke 5:15-16 AMP)

“About eight days later Jesus took Peter, John, and James up on a mountain to pray.” (Luke 9:28 NLT). Also see Mark 6:31-32; Luke 9:18 & Luke 22:39

“Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray. Later Simon and the others went out to find him. When they found him, they said, “Everyone is looking for you.”’ (Mark 1:35-37 NLT). Also see Matt 14:22-23; Luke 6:12 & Mark 6:46

Busyness poisons one’s intimacy with Father God. Not being rooted and “plugged into” your Heavenly Source is a sure recipe for anxiety and burnout. Set your priorities right. Implement boundaries when you need to ‘fill up’ and like Mary, sit at the feet of Jesus to draw life from Him…

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

]]> Help with overcoming the fear of man and being a people pleaser https://overflowinglife.net/help-with-overcoming-the-fear-of-man-and-being-a-people-pleaser/ Wed, 22 Dec 2021 09:40:15 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1711

A blog about Boundaries, the fear of man and the urge to please…

The title of this blog, “Overcoming the fear of man and being a people pleaser” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

A blog about Boundaries, the fear of man and the urge to please…

The word ‘man’ (in the title of this blog) can be your employer (your boss); it can be your spouse; it can be friends or family; even parents or in-laws. If you are a public figure, it can be your ‘following’. If you love to please; obey and impress anyone above God (or compromising doing the right thing), red lights should go off.

“Am I now trying to win  (the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10 NIV)

“For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.” (1 Thessalonians 2:4 NLT)

“The Lord favors those who fear and worship Him [with awe-inspired reverence and obedience], Those who wait for His mercy and lovingkindness.” (Psalms 147:11 AMP)

The urge to please

Scripture also teaches us that obedience and submission TO GOD is better and more pleasing to Him. (See 1 Samuel 15:22). Obeying God (above man) is always for our own good (see Deuteronomy 10:15). Jesus is also very outspoken when it comes to pleasing and ‘impressing’ man…

““Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven. “Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.” (Matthew 6:1,16 NKJV).

Other translations begin verse 1 like this: “Examine your motives to make sure you’re not showing off…” (TPT); “Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others” (NLT) & ” “Be [very] careful not to do your good deeds publicly, to be seen by men” (AMP)…

“Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.” (Proverbs 29:25 NLT)

The fear of man’s opinion and the fear of man’s rejection is a big motivator for disregarding your boundaries and a common reason why burnout happen. Here is how to identify the ‘boundaryless’ signs and patterns…

(a) You cannot say ‘No’ to people. Have you ever been in a position where it was difficult to say ‘No’ to your children; your spouse; your boss; your pastor; your congregation or basically anyone who you want to impress or please? Saying ‘No’ (IN LOVE), is setting a healthy boundary…

(b) Loving the praise, approval, and recognition from people instead God. I’ve come across this portion of Scripture the other night when reading from the Gospel of John…

“And yet [in spite of all this] many even of the leading men (the authorities and the nobles) believed and trusted in Him. But because of the Pharisees they did not confess it, for fear that [if they should acknowledge Him] they would be expelled from the synagogue; For they loved the approval and the praise and the glory that come from men [instead of and] more than the glory that comes from God. [They valued their credit with men more than their credit with God.]” (John 12:42-43 AMP).

So, what has this to do with boundaries and burnout? Bill Johnson once said, “If you don’t live by the praise of men you won’t die by their criticism.” This is exactly what happens: If you find your identity and affirmation from people’s praise and approval, you are even so much more vulnerable to the intensity of their criticism or disapproval. One word of disapproval can rock your boat. A couple of disapproval’s can sink your ship….

(c) The urge to please someone (to the point of ignoring that still small voice in your head). Jesus asks the question, “How can you believe [in Me], when you [seek and] receive glory and approval from one another, and yet you do not seek the glory and approval which comes from the one and only God?” (John 5:44 AMP). This pattern started early in my high-school years where I worked and studied myself “to death” in order to get good grades for the sole reason to impress… But, I was miserable. The toiling took its toll! I did not get the attention; recognition and acceptance I so dearly desired. Looking back, it was not worth it…

(d) Avoiding conflict in fear of man’s rejection. I see this in many marriages with burnout and/or divorce as the end result. It is serious and cannot be tolerated. To tolerate the fear of man and to “keep peace” is an excuse to confront someone overstepping your boundaries. It is a temporary relieve for a long-term disaster. “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT). If you want to mature and become like Christ, you have to speak the truth IN LOVE. This is not limited to marriages, but basically applicable to any relationship.

There are good ways to handle conflict and there are bad ways; which is a whole subject and book on its own. For now, I am only giving you a simplified condense summary:

  1. First, engage in a one-to-one private conversation and discuss your offence with your offender. (See Matthew 18:15). This must always be done in humility, love, and respect. Both parties need to be given an opportunity to ‘hear’ and to ‘listen’; without interrupting each other. The aim is to repent; to set boundaries and to set practical goals of how to overcome the problem you addressed. Be accountable to others if possible.
  2. If the first step did not help, make another appointment, and take one or two (mature, trustworthy, and objective) people with you as witnesses (See Matthew 18:16) and as a soundboard. Counselling is also a good idea.
  3. If the first and second step do not help, take the matter to the broader church and its leadership for assistance (See Matthew 18:17). One can apply this to corporate authorities (in the workplace) as well.

Many personality types absolutely despise conflict and any form of confrontation; but you cannot hide behind your personality, using this as a comfortable excuse to let matters slide. If you tolerate bad and inappropriate behavior, you enable your offender to keep on keeping on hurting and frustrating you. If you don’t stop and address this (in love and respect) and if you don’t set clear and healthy boundaries, that relationship might shipwreck sooner or later, or it might just follow a path of shallowness with continued stress and burnout…

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

]]> “Being needed” and Boundaries https://overflowinglife.net/being-needed-and-boundaries/ Mon, 20 Dec 2021 14:05:56 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1682

A blog about “Being Needed” and Boundaries…

The title of this blog, “Being Needed and Boundaries” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

A blog about “Being Needed” and Boundaries…

A low self-esteem and not (really) knowing your true identity; your identity that you are celebrated as a son (or daughter) by the Almighty Father of Heaven – (the absence of thís confidence) – causes you to feed on and live from other people’s love, acceptance, and affirmation. Their love, acceptance, and affirmation (many times) come conditionally fróm your giving of your services, gifts, talents, time, and energy. They “need you” and you “love being needed”. You experience their acceptance in return. This sounds like a win-win offer, but it is dangerous. If what you offer goes unchecked, burnout is closer around the corner than you think…

The Love of

I was involved in planting a new congregation (church) many years ago. It boomed. Pews filled up week after week. The need for volunteers grew bigger and bigger. I was working a very demanding 8 to 5 career in marketing and advertising; but I offered more and more of my free time filling as much of the volunteer gaps as I could in the growing of this new congregation. I am blessed with various different gifts and I love serving. I was noticed, needed, appreciated, and celebrated. I took more hours off from work, trying to juggle my “professional career” and my “ministry involvement” who (at that time) I saw as 2 totally sperate things.

I did not know that God sees my WORK as WORSHIP and SERVICE unto him. In English, we define these 3 words with its own meaning. However, when looking at how God see things and when studying Hebrew, we find ONE WORD, the word “Avodah” (Hebrew: עֲבוֹדָה‎), which literally means “work, worship, and service”. There is no distinction; its’ all the same!

To come back to my story: My energy was spread thin between (what I saw as two different things) “ministry-work” and my “work-work”. It was during this same time that the company that I worked for lost a huge client (contract) and some of my team members had to be retrenched. I end up doing three people’s jobs and run on my “affirmation fuel” I got from “ministry work”. It did not take long before I hit a wall. I got sick; terribly sick. The lack of rest and stress in my body broke down my immune system. No vitamin on the market could get me out of bed. I was also emotionally drained. I had a need for fellowship, but talking for 5 minutes to anyone made me wanted to run away and hide. This was the first time I experienced the devastating effects of burnout. I had no boundaries due to the love of ‘being needed’….

I see this repeat in many ministry-circles. Serving as a volunteer or as a full time Pastor or employee at any church is all about service out of love; but that love must have boundaries. Some pastors’ phones are always on, 24/7 – 7 days a week. Although this sounds unwise, many ministry workers get their ‘fuel’ (their energy and affirmation) from congregants who need them. Pastoral visits have no limits and “day’s off” seems like a waste of time if someone is in a crisis and you are getting paid to ‘save the day’. Remember: You do not sacrifice of your time, you sacrifice your own body, soul, and spirit.

Church Volunteers

When it comes to church volunteerism, working professionals and boundaries, I want to highlight the following:

  • If a congregation uses a congregants’ professional expertise, i.e. an architect; accountant, web-designer, psychologist, etc – clarify if the congregation is going to pay for the services or if the congregant is going to volunteer of his/her time to serve the congregation (in business or out of business hours). Clarify the expectancy of both parties. Clarification = setting boundaries and having healthy boundaries are a recipe for a beautiful relationship. If not, offence is a given.
  • If you volunteer, remember: Time = Money. If you give of your time, you give of your money. If out of business hours, you give of your family time. Although this is sugar-coated under ‘volunteering’, it is important to communicate what you are willing to ‘give’. Endless giving (with no boundaries) ends up in resentment and burnout. Example: The architect may be willing (and plan) to offer up 2 weekends of work, but it added up being 6 weekends due to many change requests by the congregations’ leadership. He ends up tired, frustrated; in conflict with his household and irritated by all the changes. This could be avoided if there were clarity, clear communication, and boundaries from the onset.

Your story might not be in the context of ministry, but maybe professionally – especially if you find yourself in a work-culture that ‘never sleeps’… Here I need to speak directly to employers: It is your responsibility to create a culture of healthy boundaries. You cannot afford to lose an exceptionally good, hard-working, talented, and faithful employee due to Burnout. Employees, if your employer is reckless in this area, you as the employee need to set the boundaries and especially work hours. If your employer pays you for 8 working hours a day, see to it that you give them your absolute best 8 hours. Be productive; plan your time wisely; give them your all, but when it’s lights out, …it’s lights out!

Your body, soul, and spirit need refueling from all the giving. You can only give from your ‘overflow’…. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You will burn and your system will come to a halt, sooner or later. You may tell yourself, “this overtime is temporarily”. Make sure it is so that it does not create expectancies you cannot undo…

Working overtime

Many work-cultures creates a family atmosphere (which seems attractive); where employees find it acceptable (and ‘normal’) to stay late and burn the candle on both ends. Many employees crave that ‘family’ life and since their gifts, talents and time are in high demand (and they love being needed), they do not mind crossing this boundary. This is not sustainable and in fact, extremely unhealthy. You might find a tap on your shoulder for going the extra mile and working long hours, but if you burn out, you are of no value to your employer. In fact, you will simply be replaced by someone else. No employee is irreplaceable.

Apart from ministry and one’s professional life, I find this unhealthy love of ‘being needed’ also amongst friendships. Certain personality types fuel on their extroversive love of being around people; being popular, being loved and being needed. The more, the merrier. If you are that person that likes to be around people, and your circle of friends are as big as a province, ask yourself how deep the quality of each friendship is. Jesus was fully God and fully human and, in his humanness, He choose to surround Himself with twelve friends whom he poured Himself into. The Bible even indicates a closer friendship with individuals within his tribe of twelve. Choose quality over quantity. Quality fuels; quantity burns. Quality gives back; quantity takes. Quality is there for you in times when you need it; quantity runs when deep support is required.

“The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, But there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24 AMP)

The love of ‘being needed’ many times also occur between children and their parents; especially between daughters and their mothers. The parent may sometimes subtly manipulate with needs and the child will give into the demands because he/she experience affirmation when they meet the parents’ need (and demands). If your pouring into this need is at the expense of your “thin glass-ball” primary responsibilities, red lights must go off! In the context of marriage, the Bible teaches us to ‘leave’ (soul ties with parents) and ‘cleave’ (to your spouse; becoming one). (See Genesis 2:24 and Ephesians 5:31).

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

]]> How to not take on Undelegated Responsibility https://overflowinglife.net/how-not-to-take-on-undelegated-responsibility/ Fri, 17 Dec 2021 13:01:58 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1629

A blog about Boundaries and how not to take up undelegated responsibility…

The title of this blog, “How NOT to take up undelegated responsibility?” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

A blog about Boundaries and how to not take up undelegated responsibility…

Some personality types (like mine) simply love taking on a challenge and taking on responsibility. It comes naturally, especially for leaders. Taking responsibility is a good virtue and it is celebrated in every sphere of life. Holding this in good esteem, I may burst your bubble: There is a dark side to ‘taking on responsibility’ that needs to be addressed when dealing with burnout and boundaries.

Taking-on undelegated responsibility

When you take on responsibility (‘ownership’ of something) it is wise to clarify what is “your job” (your responsibility) and what is not. Taking on responsibilities and piling up undelegated responsibilities on your shoulders; (responsibilities that is not yours), will lead to burnout. This is true for your professional career (your job description), even if you are an entrepreneur.

When you look at your life, you are responsible for YOUR body, soul, and spirit. You cannot live without the Holy Spirit; you need to remain in God’s presence. You are therefore responsible for your relationship with God. You are also responsible for taking care of your emotions and body. You are ALSO responsible for the commitments you made. For example, if you made a commitment before God to marry, you have a responsibility towards your spouse (e.g. to love, serve, cherish, respect, and provide) and if you choose to have children, you have a responsibility towards them to love, protect, care and train them up in God’s ways.

Your primary responsibilities are therefore:

  • Your relationship with God (& being continually filled with His Spirit)
  • Your household (spouse/marriage and kids)
  • Yourself (Taking care of your body & soul)

These 3 areas are like thin-glass balls you juggle; you cannot afford to drop them. Your business; career; ministry; friends; DIY projects, family; hobbies, long admin-to-do-list and any other responsibilities are like rubber balls. If you let them fall; they will most probably bounce back; but if you neglect your glass-balls (Your relationship with God; your household & yourself) – life will take stressful & painful turns you want to avoid at all cost.

You are also not responsible for other people’s problems and emotions. People with a mercy gift struggle with this a lot. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you have a role to play as a “Fixer”. YOU cannot fix; change or heal people. You cannot make and force people to execute the things they need to do to avoid tragedy. Every person must take responsibility for his/her own walk-in life.

Many people who are in a supporting role, struggles with (what I call) a “Mother Theresa Syndrome”. Please do not get me wrong; I do not mean this in a disrespectful way. Jesus is the answer to people’s problems; we are not. God may choose you as a humble vessel to be His hands, feet, heart, and mouth, but it is ultimately He that does the healing and deliverance and change; it’s not your responsibility. At the end of your life, you are going to stand before God and give an account of YOUR life; not Mary’s or Johnny’s or your Dads’…

Almost all people are in some kind of caretaker role (whether that is your employees; spouse; children; parents; your team in your department at work, etc.). Each role is different and for this reason, you need to ask yourself, what the boundaries are of YOUR responsibilities and what the boundaries are of THEIR responsibilities. If you take on your teen’s responsibilities (for instance), you disable them to learn to take responsibility for themselves and to learn new skills.

Children coming from divorced homes, many times take on the responsibilities of the missing parent. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old. Living with my mother at that time, I took upon myself the role as the missing husband. I became the shoulder of many tears; the counselor and comforter. I was the last one going to bed at night, making sure all the doors in the house were locked. I took it upon myself to protect and even to partially provide later on. No one gave me that responsibility; I took it upon myself. Did it do me good? No, not at all. I “grew up” too early; not fully enjoying the benefits of just being a kid in a safe environment. This pattern triggered many other areas in my life where I took on responsibilities that were not mine, that lead to stress and burnout. I had to learn the hard way of setting boundaries, taking on rightful responsibilities, delegating effectively and taking care of myself.

What about the command in Scripture (Galatians 6) that says we need to “carry each other’s burdens” which almost sounds like contradicting everything I have said in this blog so far? Looking at this one verse out of context is dangerous. Let’s look at the Scripture before and after this verse:

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any sin, you who are spiritual [that is, you who are responsive to the guidance of the Spirit] are to restore such a person in a spirit of gentleness [not with a sense of superiority or self-righteousness], keeping a watchful eye on yourself, so that you are not tempted as well. Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love]. For if anyone thinks he is something [special] when [in fact] he is nothing [special except in his own eyes], he deceives himself. But each one must carefully scrutinize his own work [examining his actions, attitudes, and behavior], and then he can have the personal satisfaction and inner joy of doing something commendable without comparing himself to another. For every person will have to bear [with patience] his own burden [of faults and shortcomings for which he alone is responsible].” (Galatians 6:1-5 AMP)

Some of the verses sounds contradicting. Let’s look at this in another translations:

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For each one shall bear his own load.” (Galatians 6:2,5 NKJV)

  • The word for ‘burden’ in verse 2 and 5 is two different Greek words. In verse 2 Paul urges sympathy. In verse 5, he refers to taking responsibility for ourselves.
  • The word ‘carry’ in verse two is translated as “to bear a burden”; to “endure” – out of love for those we take care off. (See one chapter earlier: Galatians 5:14)
  • The context of this Scripture has to do with the burden (and weight) of sin as well as the burden of temptations. God is encouraging us to have patience (and sympathy) and to help restore in love.
  • The context is carrying a burden with someone; not for someone. That is why verse 5 says, each person shall bear his own load/ burden; in other words his own responsibility. Help; Carry; Bear and Endure (out of Christ-like love) is a given and command, but the help and support we give to those who sin and to those who has a lot of burdens must always be done in a way that you do not take their responsibility away from them.

The moment we take on other people’s responsibility, we become their “rescuer”; “their savior”. We place ourselves at the center of God and people look to us and not to God for help; healing; provision and deliverance. Our love and support must always point to Scripture and to Jesus. The best way to set a healthy boundary is to empower someone to solve their own problems and the best way to encourage them how to do that is to help them find their refuge in God.

Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). We therefore have to love OURSELVES (taking care of ourselves) AND love our neighbor to the same extent. Yes, we must support others; cry with them; pray for and with them; offer practical help (as seen in Acts 2); encourage and lift other’s arms up in times when they are weak, but not at the cost of ourselves and our own relationships and our own primary responsibilities. Example: A congregational pastor’s primary role and responsibility is towards his wife and kids and secondary towards this congregation.

Being at the one tip of the scale, loving and caring (only) for yourself and your needs and setting boundaries in a way that ‘cuts’ people out of your life is simply put, narcissistic. Being at the other tip of the scale; to have no boundaries ‘in the name of love’; piling up your own burdens and others’ responsibilities on your shoulders; exhausting yourself to the point of burnout, is not good either. Where are you on this scale?

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

]]> What are boundaries? https://overflowinglife.net/what-are-boundaries/ Mon, 06 Dec 2021 14:52:38 +0000 https://overflowinglife.net/?p=1455

An introduction to Boundaries…

The title of this blog, “What are Boundaries?” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

An introduction to Boundaries…

Picture yourself owning a beautiful piece of land. You have the title deed of that property and a map showing very clearly where the boundaries are. You won’t dare build a property overlapping with your neighbor’s land. Having good and healthy personal boundaries is knowing (and staying within) your personal limits. It is the art of taking care of and protecting God’s created masterpiece; you! A person with healthy boundaries is confident in what they are willing to do and not to do. It is the absence of selfishness and the fruit of healthy self-love. It is a position of confidence in who you are and Whose you are…

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10 NLT)

What are boundaries

“I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.” (Psalms 139:14 AMP)

Children with no boundaries given, end up lazy, entitled, self-absorbed, destructive and insecure. This continues into adulthood! An adult without boundaries will always be at the receiving-end of people’s control, manipulation, abuse, blame, domination, criticism & perfectionism. To be subjected to this, a boundary-less person will always feel anxious, fearful, depressed and burnt-out. If you do not have boundaries, you are also a “sitting duck” for spiritual attack.

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”  (1 Peter 5:8 ESV).

To set boundaries, is to create a realm of freedom, security & protection.

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”  (Galatians 5:1 ESV)

Why would you let uninvited people squatter on your piece of land; the real estate you purchased and are proud to own? Why would you keep quiet if your neighbor overlooks the boundary line and starts building his factory on your piece of property? As a sheep-farmer, why would you leave the door of your sheepfold open for wolves to enter as they wish? As ridiculous as this sound, we as human beings let our guards down so easily. Some of us let people walk over us.

The question is: “What are the reasons why some of us have little personal boundaries and others simply none?” … You will find the answers in the additional blogs below…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

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