Help with overcoming the fear of man and being a people pleaser

A blog about Boundaries, the fear of man and the urge to please…

The title of this blog, “Overcoming the fear of man and being a people pleaser” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

• Blog 1:  Introduction: What are Boundaries?
• Blog 2:  How NOT to take on Undelegated Responsibility
• Blog 3:  “Being needed” and Boundaries
• Blog 4:  Help with overcoming the fear of man and people pleasing
• Blog 5:  Busy People and Boundaries
• Blog 6:  Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries
• Blog 7:  Practical tips on how to set Boundaries

 

A blog about Boundaries, the fear of man and the urge to please…

The word ‘man’ (in the title of this blog) can be your employer (your boss); it can be your spouse; it can be friends or family; even parents or in-laws. If you are a public figure, it can be your ‘following’. If you love to please; obey and impress anyone above God (or compromising doing the right thing), red lights should go off.

“Am I now trying to win  (the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10 NIV)

“For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts.” (1 Thessalonians 2:4 NLT)

“The Lord favors those who fear and worship Him [with awe-inspired reverence and obedience], Those who wait for His mercy and lovingkindness.” (Psalms 147:11 AMP)

Scripture also teaches us that obedience and submission TO GOD is better and more pleasing to Him. (See 1 Samuel 15:22). Obeying God (above man) is always for our own good (see Deuteronomy 10:15). Jesus is also very outspoken when it comes to pleasing and ‘impressing’ man…

““Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven. “Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.” (Matthew 6:1,16 NKJV).

Other translations begin verse 1 like this: “Examine your motives to make sure you’re not showing off…” (TPT); “Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others” (NLT) & ” “Be [very] careful not to do your good deeds publicly, to be seen by men” (AMP)…

“Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.” (Proverbs 29:25 NLT)

The fear of man’s opinion and the fear of man’s rejection is a big motivator for disregarding your boundaries and a common reason why burnout happen. Here is how to identify the ‘boundaryless’ signs and patterns…

(a) You cannot say ‘No’ to people. Have you ever been in a position where it was difficult to say ‘No’ to your children; your spouse; your boss; your pastor; your congregation or basically anyone who you want to impress or please? Saying ‘No’ (IN LOVE), is setting a healthy boundary…

(b) Loving the praise, approval, and recognition from people instead God. I’ve come across this portion of Scripture the other night when reading from the Gospel of John…

“And yet [in spite of all this] many even of the leading men (the authorities and the nobles) believed and trusted in Him. But because of the Pharisees they did not confess it, for fear that [if they should acknowledge Him] they would be expelled from the synagogue; For they loved the approval and the praise and the glory that come from men [instead of and] more than the glory that comes from God. [They valued their credit with men more than their credit with God.]” (John 12:42-43 AMP).

So, what has this to do with boundaries and burnout? Bill Johnson once said, “If you don’t live by the praise of men you won’t die by their criticism.” This is exactly what happens: If you find your identity and affirmation from people’s praise and approval, you are even so much more vulnerable to the intensity of their criticism or disapproval. One word of disapproval can rock your boat. A couple of disapproval’s can sink your ship….

(c) The urge to please someone (to the point of ignoring that still small voice in your head). Jesus asks the question, “How can you believe [in Me], when you [seek and] receive glory and approval from one another, and yet you do not seek the glory and approval which comes from the one and only God?” (John 5:44 AMP). This pattern started early in my high-school years where I worked and studied myself “to death” in order to get good grades for the sole reason to impress… But, I was miserable. The toiling took its toll! I did not get the attention; recognition and acceptance I so dearly desired. Looking back, it was not worth it…

(d) Avoiding conflict in fear of man’s rejection. I see this in many marriages with burnout and/or divorce as the end result. It is serious and cannot be tolerated. To tolerate the fear of man and to “keep peace” is an excuse to confront someone overstepping your boundaries. It is a temporary relieve for a long-term disaster. “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT). If you want to mature and become like Christ, you have to speak the truth IN LOVE. This is not limited to marriages, but basically applicable to any relationship.

There are good ways to handle conflict and there are bad ways; which is a whole subject and book on its own. For now, I am only giving you a simplified condense summary:

1. First, engage in a one-to-one private conversation and discuss your offence with your offender. (See Matthew 18:15). This must always be done in humility, love, and respect. Both parties need to be given an opportunity to ‘hear’ and to ‘listen’; without interrupting each other. The aim is to repent; to set boundaries and to set practical goals of how to overcome the problem you addressed. Be accountable to others if possible.
2. If the first step did not help, make another appointment, and take one or two (mature, trustworthy, and objective) people with you as witnesses (See Matthew 18:16) and as a soundboard. Counselling is also a good idea.
3. If the first and second step do not help, take the matter to the broader church and its leadership for assistance (See Matthew 18:17). One can apply this to corporate authorities (in the workplace) as well.

Many personality types absolutely despise conflict and any form of confrontation; but you cannot hide behind your personality, using this as a comfortable excuse to let matters slide. If you tolerate bad and inappropriate behavior, you enable your offender to keep on keeping on hurting and frustrating you. If you don’t stop and address this (in love and respect) and if you don’t set clear and healthy boundaries, that relationship might shipwreck sooner or later, or it might just follow a path of shallowness with continued stress and burnout…

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

• Blog 1:  Introduction: What are Boundaries?
• Blog 2:  How NOT to take on Undelegated Responsibility
• Blog 3:  “Being needed” and Boundaries
• Blog 4:  Help with overcoming the fear of man and people pleasing
• Blog 5:  Busy People and Boundaries
• Blog 6:  Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries
• Blog 7:  Practical tips on how to set Boundaries