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Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries

Feb 11, 2022 | Boundaries

A blog about Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries…

The title of this blog, “Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

A blog about Overcoming Control by setting Boundaries…

What does ‘control’ have to do with boundaries?

Most people who have no boundaries are BEING CONTROLLED by controlling people. Controlling people control people out of fear. We were never designed to control or to be victims of control. We were created as sons and daughters who live in a secure reality (boundaries so to speak) that our Heavenly Father is in control and sovereign with our best interests at heart. It is when we give control over to God, when we experience true freedom and overflowing life…

Being controlled by man

Being controlled

Being controlled really boils down to having no self-control; no boundaries and allowing controlling people to control you. If you find yourself in this group, you are mostly not aware of controlling people’s manipulation, flattery, and ways they control you. Without knowing why, one may experience anger; depression and/or resentment afterwards. It is important to become aware of this pattern…

You see, controlling people do not have your best interests at heart; they look out for their own interests and gain and they are highly skilled in subtle manipulation and flattery in order to get ‘their ways and wants’.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda].” (Proverbs 27:6 AMP). The Passion Translations says: “You can trust a friend who wounds you with his honesty, but your enemy’s pretended flattery comes from insincerity.” (Proverbs 27:6 TPT)

Be aware of your emotions: If you experience anger, depression and/or resentment, ask yourself why? Then, if you know someone is trying to control and manipulate you, what do you do?

  1. Repent and ask the Holy Spirit why you allowed it. If (for example) He reveals the ‘fear of man’, repent and ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen your innermost being (Ephesians 3:16) and to fully take control of you (Acts 4:8) and to grow the fruit of the Spirit, self-control in you… (Titus 2:12 & Galatians 5:23).
  2. Set clear boundaries; learn to say ‘no’ and stand your ground. Speak the truth IN LOVE (Ephesians 4:15). Setting boundaries will most of the time trigger conflict. Controlling people hate this and might get angry at you. They might try to push back to see how serious you are. Stand your ground. Sometimes you won’t experience outright anger from the controlling person, but other emotional responses like “getting over-emotional”, even crying. This is nothing other but manipulation so that you can feel sorry for them (in order to ‘give in’ and give away something of yourself you are not willing to give away). Say ‘no’ to these types of inappropriate behaviour. You might experience short term emotional ripple effects, but if you persist, you will gain self-respect and loving yourself with self-respect will cause others to start respecting your healthy boundaries…

Being the one that controls others or the one who wants to control your circumstances…

Fear has two extreme effects: At the one end of the spectrum, it paralyzes you into passivity. On the other spectrum, it temps one to take control of a situation or person. Let’s focus on the latter reaction…

The reason for the urge to control, is rooted in fear. Fear of being out of control; fear of not being able to change a situation; fear of failure; fear of loss… If you experience these emotions, your natural response is to ‘fight back’ by trying to control people or unpleasant circumstances. By doing this, you take the reins out of God’s hand into our own hands. By doing this, you try to steer (and manipulate) a situation in a direction you want it to go…

Fear is not your friend. Fear is not on your side. You might experience a couple of wins, but ultimately, you will learn that you cannot control situations or people. You will wear yourself out. Burnout will knock on your door sooner or later.

Leaders sometimes struggle a lot with control. You cannot hide behind “good leadership” if you control people or situations. Leadership is about empowering people and control is about fear.

To “take control” actually show that you are “out of control” and want to take action in your own strength. The end result is frustration and burnout.

If you sense that you have a controlling nature, ask yourself why? How do you get free from this?

  1. Repent of fear. Repent of manipulating and controlling people and/or situations to go ‘your way’. Make right with God and if the Holy Spirit convicts you, make right with people. This is difficult, but liberating.
  2. Tackle the real issue head-on: Deep down in your heart, you do not trust God and rely more on your own abilities and experience. Ask God’s forgiveness and ask the Holy Spirit to help you on a new journey of discovering the freedom and joy of “letting go” and trusting Him more and more…. God is Sovereign and He is truly in control ánd on your side….
  3. If you feel you are stuck in this area, I also want to encourage to make a counselling or coaching appointment with someone you trust. Being stuck is not your permanent destination! Freedom is possible.

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

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