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“Being needed” and Boundaries

Dec 20, 2021 | Boundaries, Burnout, Business, Ministry, Work-Life Balance

A blog about “Being Needed” and Boundaries…

The title of this blog, “Being Needed and Boundaries” forms part of a SERIES ON BOUNDARIES with the following Index:

 

A blog about “Being Needed” and Boundaries…

A low self-esteem and not (really) knowing your true identity; your identity that you are celebrated as a son (or daughter) by the Almighty Father of Heaven – (the absence of thís confidence) – causes you to feed on and live from other people’s love, acceptance, and affirmation. Their love, acceptance, and affirmation (many times) come conditionally fróm your giving of your services, gifts, talents, time, and energy. They “need you” and you “love being needed”. You experience their acceptance in return. This sounds like a win-win offer, but it is dangerous. If what you offer goes unchecked, burnout is closer around the corner than you think…

The Love of

I was involved in planting a new congregation (church) many years ago. It boomed. Pews filled up week after week. The need for volunteers grew bigger and bigger. I was working a very demanding 8 to 5 career in marketing and advertising; but I offered more and more of my free time filling as much of the volunteer gaps as I could in the growing of this new congregation. I am blessed with various different gifts and I love serving. I was noticed, needed, appreciated, and celebrated. I took more hours off from work, trying to juggle my “professional career” and my “ministry involvement” who (at that time) I saw as 2 totally sperate things.

I did not know that God sees my WORK as WORSHIP and SERVICE unto him. In English, we define these 3 words with its own meaning. However, when looking at how God see things and when studying Hebrew, we find ONE WORD, the word “Avodah” (Hebrew: עֲבוֹדָה‎), which literally means “work, worship, and service”. There is no distinction; its’ all the same!

To come back to my story: My energy was spread thin between (what I saw as two different things) “ministry-work” and my “work-work”. It was during this same time that the company that I worked for lost a huge client (contract) and some of my team members had to be retrenched. I end up doing three people’s jobs and run on my “affirmation fuel” I got from “ministry work”. It did not take long before I hit a wall. I got sick; terribly sick. The lack of rest and stress in my body broke down my immune system. No vitamin on the market could get me out of bed. I was also emotionally drained. I had a need for fellowship, but talking for 5 minutes to anyone made me wanted to run away and hide. This was the first time I experienced the devastating effects of burnout. I had no boundaries due to the love of ‘being needed’….

I see this repeat in many ministry-circles. Serving as a volunteer or as a full time Pastor or employee at any church is all about service out of love; but that love must have boundaries. Some pastors’ phones are always on, 24/7 – 7 days a week. Although this sounds unwise, many ministry workers get their ‘fuel’ (their energy and affirmation) from congregants who need them. Pastoral visits have no limits and “day’s off” seems like a waste of time if someone is in a crisis and you are getting paid to ‘save the day’. Remember: You do not sacrifice of your time, you sacrifice your own body, soul, and spirit.

Church Volunteers

When it comes to church volunteerism, working professionals and boundaries, I want to highlight the following:

  • If a congregation uses a congregants’ professional expertise, i.e. an architect; accountant, web-designer, psychologist, etc – clarify if the congregation is going to pay for the services or if the congregant is going to volunteer of his/her time to serve the congregation (in business or out of business hours). Clarify the expectancy of both parties. Clarification = setting boundaries and having healthy boundaries are a recipe for a beautiful relationship. If not, offence is a given.
  • If you volunteer, remember: Time = Money. If you give of your time, you give of your money. If out of business hours, you give of your family time. Although this is sugar-coated under ‘volunteering’, it is important to communicate what you are willing to ‘give’. Endless giving (with no boundaries) ends up in resentment and burnout. Example: The architect may be willing (and plan) to offer up 2 weekends of work, but it added up being 6 weekends due to many change requests by the congregations’ leadership. He ends up tired, frustrated; in conflict with his household and irritated by all the changes. This could be avoided if there were clarity, clear communication, and boundaries from the onset.

Your story might not be in the context of ministry, but maybe professionally – especially if you find yourself in a work-culture that ‘never sleeps’… Here I need to speak directly to employers: It is your responsibility to create a culture of healthy boundaries. You cannot afford to lose an exceptionally good, hard-working, talented, and faithful employee due to Burnout. Employees, if your employer is reckless in this area, you as the employee need to set the boundaries and especially work hours. If your employer pays you for 8 working hours a day, see to it that you give them your absolute best 8 hours. Be productive; plan your time wisely; give them your all, but when it’s lights out, …it’s lights out!

Your body, soul, and spirit need refueling from all the giving. You can only give from your ‘overflow’…. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You will burn and your system will come to a halt, sooner or later. You may tell yourself, “this overtime is temporarily”. Make sure it is so that it does not create expectancies you cannot undo…

Working overtime

Many work-cultures creates a family atmosphere (which seems attractive); where employees find it acceptable (and ‘normal’) to stay late and burn the candle on both ends. Many employees crave that ‘family’ life and since their gifts, talents and time are in high demand (and they love being needed), they do not mind crossing this boundary. This is not sustainable and in fact, extremely unhealthy. You might find a tap on your shoulder for going the extra mile and working long hours, but if you burn out, you are of no value to your employer. In fact, you will simply be replaced by someone else. No employee is irreplaceable.

Apart from ministry and one’s professional life, I find this unhealthy love of ‘being needed’ also amongst friendships. Certain personality types fuel on their extroversive love of being around people; being popular, being loved and being needed. The more, the merrier. If you are that person that likes to be around people, and your circle of friends are as big as a province, ask yourself how deep the quality of each friendship is. Jesus was fully God and fully human and, in his humanness, He choose to surround Himself with twelve friends whom he poured Himself into. The Bible even indicates a closer friendship with individuals within his tribe of twelve. Choose quality over quantity. Quality fuels; quantity burns. Quality gives back; quantity takes. Quality is there for you in times when you need it; quantity runs when deep support is required.

“The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, But there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24 AMP)

The love of ‘being needed’ many times also occur between children and their parents; especially between daughters and their mothers. The parent may sometimes subtly manipulate with needs and the child will give into the demands because he/she experience affirmation when they meet the parents’ need (and demands). If your pouring into this need is at the expense of your “thin glass-ball” primary responsibilities, red lights must go off! In the context of marriage, the Bible teaches us to ‘leave’ (soul ties with parents) and ‘cleave’ (to your spouse; becoming one). (See Genesis 2:24 and Ephesians 5:31).

📞 Do you need help with BOUNDARIES? Have you ever considered Life-Coaching? Many of our coaching clients who embarked on this journey, describe it as LIFE-CHANING! If you want to find out more SCHEDULE A 20-MIN FREE ZOOM Discovery Call with us today…

Discover more ABOUT BOUNDARIES – We recommend to read the following Blogs in sequence: 

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